the threads in her head

I've gone too deep. Too deep, too fast. And I made the mistake of telling him. I started, and then the ball of string rolled away from me, all of a sudden, my thoughts and emotions were unraveled. It burst out of control, and became one messy tangle when I tried to pick it up.

And this conversation feels like a chess game. I've spilled myself out, I think I'm ready for the killing, but all of a sudden the game falls away from me, and I'm making moves on impulse without realising. And he stops his own moves, he's taking a longer time to consider. And that gives ME time to think. And I stand up to get a drink of water and suddenly I realised I can't make a move anymore, that all that is done has been done, and I went so deep I didn't even know it. Now I'm waiting for his move. He's not replying though.

I know his style, know how he work. I know how sometimes he leaves a conversation, just say bye, and go offline. Sometimes he does not even bother to leave you a message. He just go off.

I don't know which is more preferable. Him not replying and just signing off without a note. Or him saying, "oh oh, I gtg" and then sign off. Or actually, actually replying.

This is an idiotic chess game. But I initiated it. And I can't relax till he has made his move, struck his blow. Till he has claimed full victory.

Perhaps, it will end differently. But I remember the last time I played this chess game with someone else. 2 years back. Things I never knew spilled out. Some smart-aleck stuff came tumbling. Then he gives me one short look, and told me I was cynical.

Me, Rebecca, cynical. I never knew that. So in a way, somehow he won, because he sent a blow that crushed me, that sent me reeling.

Checkmate.