the threads in her head

How's your walk today is becoming a more and more important question.

I'm thinking I should start on the letters soon, and be a good leader, doing the things, the duties which has been assigned to me. The gate has been open after all. Yet I refuse to step out.

I've committed a folly, and yet I'm not seeking to right it. Planning to, but not doing it. Oh is this not wrong? What childish fears.

Don't you yearn to stop breaking your Father's heart because of the love you have for him? Yet where is this love when he's not the first thought on your mind. At the same time you see others out to make a difference. Oh it's a step. But for the strength to continue on, instead of just flopping and sitting down.

Yet He has granted people who inspires.

I have to do it, even though it's gonna be ugly. Only then can I gently persuade the rest that it is possible.

What a sick feeling lies in my stomach.

I don't think I'm ready. I wish to run away. Yet how far can I run, when everything is in your palm. Jonah tried to, but you were always there, all around. But am I running from you, or just running away from the community I feel so alien to? Yet I have not taken the effort to be loving and caring myself. So I have to write the letters. What a heavy burden this is. I am not fit, and not worthy. Yet I have been asked to do it.

So I have to write the letters.
And I have to ask the question.
And I come to you for help because the idea of independence has to go. Only in your strength.

"Why are you so religious"
I am not religious. I don't keep every law. I only know that I am weak and unfit. Unworthy, and not able to.

You have given. But in a month's time it might be taken away. What a searing desperation and fear drives through me, right to my very heart. I am weak! Unable to just trust in you, but needing something tangible, a person, people! I could confide in. And you have granted it to me. But soon soon, it might be taken away.

Do I ask You for support, or do I fully turn to You. Oh, what little faith I have.