the threads in her head

The night is so very cold.

I remember cold nights like this one in the past. Colder ones. With the chilly wind making its way in through the window, curling around my feet, my legs, my thighs and bare arms. Circling and tightening around my neck, breezing round my face. I remember lots of cold nights.

But I don't remember a single cold night where I've felt so empty lost and helpless.
Oh cold nights and cold nights and cold nights, but tonight's the first night where all is cold and there's no shrug.

The numbness has given way to cold. A mild cold that so quietly envelopes the heart with tender embraces. Soft heavy kisses that makes you wanna curl up into the fetus position, to bring your legs up to your heart. To be small and insignificant. To protect your soft underside and hide your vulnerabilities and weaknesses.

Raindrop splatter. Plop plop, wet, cold. Like snow freshly melted, like a fantasy turning back into reality. Plop. So this is the weight of a few million molecules. Plop. So this is how it feels like to be caught in the rain.

Funny. I was expecting more. More impact. More cold. More falling down, trickling down my neck, over my arms, into my eyes, wetting my pants, drenching my shirt. But none comes.

So this is why people feel that certain things can't be washed off.

Gloom and despondency, gloom and despondency.

Emptiness like a wide open space. Not even echoing. No echoes. Just a thick stillness of air that stifles, down my mouth, forcing its way down.

It's almost giddy to be so intent and still, the nerves of all my brain seemingly all at one painful spot. Yet... not. Just, just so very frozen in one spot.

One by one people walk past, shaded by their world of little umbrellas. Silver silver silver. Then the occasional break in the monotony of silver by an umbrella given out by the world of consumerism. Then silver silver and silver. One by one they walk by, pass my eyes, another blink, and they're gone, far away. So many, so many that I don't remember anymore.

And curled up there, it's so cold.