the threads in her head

I thought, for a moment, that I had lost this entry. The sense of loss was so strong I nearly wanted to cry.

And this is why I say, don't spread the link of this blog. Don't link it. Don't pass it around. Because even, even if they are mere words to you, to me, they mean something different. Something dear.

A sickening smell of pressed wood, stuffy and smothering, fills my nose. Are treasure always kept in such treacherous places? Oh help me, help me, before I drown.

The intensities of my emotions are rocking me, so hard, so hard. I’m like a ship tossed by the waves, oh up and down, up and down. Giddy, giddy, giddy. Oh irrationality. Oh the intensity of an emotion which I cannot place, a rocking that is caused by something which I cannot give a name to. Not exactly pain, nor longing, missing or yearning.

But I do remember a time when it seemed that time would not be able to soothe my wound any at all. Then days passed, months passed, years went by. And I look back, and I think about it, but less. The frequency has decreased, and so has the intensity of it all.

No more pain, no more missing, no more tears for you. Gone are the coded language, the imaginative metaphors and imagery born by a heart in pain. The slightly bitter humour, the rocking emotionality propelling the words that crafted imagery and metaphors - they have disappeared.

Am I better without it?

I half-miss it. And now I do not know what I really do miss. You? The thoughts? The pain? The accumulation of them all that brought about all this writing?

But ah. This feeling is familiar. I've felt it once before, not too long ago. Where I yearned for this emotional self to take over - not the crazy irrational one, but that reasoned measured sadness and pain, that came out with what are still rather beautiful metaphors and imagery in my eyes, the abstract figments of mind.

How I crave for those images. Suddenly the desire for violent dreams make sense, for here I am, feeling a measure of that desire. Oh for a scene, a plot, a story, a poignant muse! For a reason to write..

Perhaps, the days of this blog falling into disuse may not be far.

And yet perhaps they will not be near.