the threads in her head

as the story goes-

"I can't write," I say.

?

"I can't write. Not the way I want to. The teachers praise it, they think I'm good. I get high marks for my portfolio. But it's not the same anymore. I can't write stuff that touches myself, I can't write stuff that even releases the knots of my heart. They just add more knots, one dead knot after the another. Oh how I long for someone to unravel these knots of my heart, to spin them out so they become a fine tapestry, rather than these frayed knots."

So?

"I've been thinking. Have been looking back at my writing. Reading other people's blogs. I came across a quote, "The worst part about it (depression being one's muse) is when you finally are happy with most of your life, and your muse is completely gone, and you wish for all of it to be undone, just so you have your muse back." Whoever said that, he's not alone in his sentiments. I feel the same, kinda. And I guess, it's also a realisation for me, that actually all my blog entries have been inspired by well, pain, and heartache."

If you're really looking for pain, go slash yourself then.

"Right... thanks..."

Or go look for heartache then.

Sometimes, it seems to me that he never fully realises what he is saying. But he does, I think, and, there's truth in his statement. There's that plausibility about it. It's something I've thought about, but he has put what I've been thinking into words. The crossroad of my life. But, I've made my decision a long time ago.

"No. Given a choice, if I had to, between writing, and friends, between this art of mine, and knowing my kor, you, gan ge, my classmates, I would still choose friends."

This was the decision I had made. And, this is what I have to live with.

I'll still write. Perhaps one day I'll feel the spark again. There's still that little bit of hope in me. There's still a bit of pang, that little speckle of regret, almost. That little longing for the other path. And, there's no reason why I can't write about these.

Meanwhile, the conversation has moved on.