Remember,

When you are down, get stickers. Get lots of pretty stickers, because you like pretty stickers.

Get some temporary tatooes.

Get something different, unexpected. Something pink, if it suits your mood.

Draw on the mirror. Draw a car, because you like drawing cars.

Sing. Hum. Make music.

Read. Talk. Think. Word.

Look at the sky.

Breathe.

Care for others. Stop thinking about yourself. Ask other people how they are.

Dream.

I have to remember, that time passes very fast now. That there seems to be no time enough, for all the things I want to do.

I have to remember, to pace myself. To not spend myself in one thing and rely on others to clean up after me and pieces my scraps together. It is tempting to spend all of oneself in one thing, but no - there are other things ahead, there are other people to consider.

I have to remember, to prioritise. That there are a million and one things I can do, but I need to think about what is most important, how much time to spend on it, how much luxury I can afford myself. I need to say no, more often. However much I hate to.

I must remember, to jot stuff in my notebook. Like it or not my memory is not as good as it is, anymore, and I forget. I forget.

I must remember, not to indulge myself. I need to grow up, I need to realise that - the responsibility is great, the burden heavy, but I have to carry it, and carry it well, that there is not much of a safety net under me any longer, that I am pretty much already out in this wild world.

I have to remember, a lot of stuff.

(this is probably the closest to sight than any of my other pieces. there is nothing pretty or redeeming about it - none in images, none in language. cruel, ugly, depression... dejection. you have been warned)

Dejection-

There was a boy who was crying.
Little small child red in the face
Squealing and squalling at the top of his lungs,
Loud sharp shrills that punctuated the air,
Vengeful. Unrelenting. Seeking, seeking, seeeeeeeeking.
Little fist snaking up,
Tight fist round mother's shirt
Grabbing for mother's harassed breast
Sweat, sweat down mother's brow,
Furrowed brow and knitted eyes,
Creases upon creases of skin
Over and over again

There was a boy I could not fathom
Sitting right beside me.
Right wrist in pain and heart perhaps breaking,
Shield over his heart, crying -
Was he crying? I don't know, I never know,
I am a simple ignorant creature besides this chaos of being
Who spins his immature web of thoughts,
and captures,
without realising
Who is stupid and idiotic, and maybe should be shot,
Except that his misguided nobility is heartbreaking,
Heartbreakingly beautiful

There was a boy who was beyond,
Beyond my contact,
What with a dead phone and
His new number
Which I could not remember
Sitting beside a boy lost,
Cries that hurt my heart,
And yellowed fuzzy images of
Depression,
Dejection,
Perversity of life
In general

there is much tenderness in the air-

A few days can result in swift changes.

I have greater inspiration and at least a few ideas running in my head at last. I started calling someone bro, whom I really do like and so far think is a nice bro. I have new responsibilities, I have a whole list of projects ahead to get through - liaising, initiating, seeing through.

These are the roles which the president of mentoring club has set down for me -
Club Managing Director
The CMD is overall in charged of organizing activities (intra club activities - courses and orientation and metees-mentors bonding activities)
Further duties:
Sourcing, initiating and coordinating external activites (ie. Mentoring Camp/Flag Day/Workshops)

And I have also gotten the role of Green Club president, which probably means all this -
Running a club
Pushing for people to fulfil deadlines
Major events: Clean and Green Week, Green Club Camp for Primary School Kids
Other things: Updating of Green Club Blog, Ad-hoc Events, Liaising With Other Schools, Organising Sharing Sessions (Informal/Formal), Utilising Yahoo E-Groups (probably for competitions)

I am going to have a crazy year ahead, and it will pass by so very very fast, about 40weeks, and each week going by so quickly. I don't know what will happen, but there is one thing I know -

I said something last night, and I meant it. I have willingly given up my choice, for the first time, for something I believe will be sweet and sweeter. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know when it will be so-called official, but I'm not scared, or at least, less scared, and more willing to learn. I'm sorry for saying all that stuff about reverting back to those emotional roller coasters and killing myself so, but those I did not meant, and I'm even more resolved now to at learn how to pace myself at least. You did not know this, but before I told you all that I had turned down an offer to help other little kids... I still have a lot of things to juggle, but at least I'm trying to say no too.

I'll try, I'll learn, I'll grow from a little girl you like to a woman you love. Perhaps all these are premature, but I wish not - and I hope that the fact that I do not really shy away from the word woman would mean something (though I am pretty sure I will still like being called little girl). It probably will not be easy, but it seems that right now, you there will already make it easier. Love you, Isaac.

A big shout-out to the friends too, who have always been there for me, helping me through decisions, buffering me up to say no to what was really never my obligation, helping me to come to a balanced view of things, being there physically and being willing for me to transfer the rap over to them, or for giving me advice and making me realise what implications my actions might have, or just listening to me rant and being sympathetic, giving me hugs when I need it, telling me it'll be all ok, snapping and ranting at me to shake me up and realise I have so much to be thankful for, trying to pull me back so I don't change for the worse, always constantly telling me I think too much, that it's not that complicated, that I should focus, going with me to all kind of random places, getting all kind of random stuff, making time for me even though each of you all have a million other things to worry about, giving me phone calls, making me feel better. Thank you, Karene, Melesa, Faustina, Jiaying, Charlotte, Gan Ge... I love you all too.

And for the one who gives me heartaches, headaches as well as gladness, for the one so selfless and praying for me even when he's in great pain, the one who wants to always see me happy with a smile on my face, thank you Yi Sheng. You're going to be okay, all right?

For that new friend found who's watching out for me and preserving on like a guardian angel even though he gets so weary he doesn't know if it's worth it, thank you Shu Li.

To the one who always tell me to keep my eyes on the Lord and entrust everything to him, thank you Hon Yee.

And thank you Jun Hao: the one who is willing to treat me to stuff and listen to me although he does not fully understand, and sit with me for lunch and listen to me rant

And I can't forget the seniors, Alvina, Li Hui, Yi Tyan, Ruo Shuang, Wei Seng, Jia Xin... I can go on and on about the mentoring seniors, and the seniors squared and cubed and all they have done.

Thanks be a feeble word to acknowledge all your care and concern in watching out for me, but I hope you all would tolerate its inadequateness and understand the element of regard and love I meant with that one word.

There be a lot of people who are there for me, and there is much in the future, and so much I want to do. Oh that I would always be able to return to this entry and gain motivation and strength all over again, that even if anything turned out to be false the most will still stay true, and I know I have much to be greatly thankful for, that I should go on with a smile and happiness, and not brood and pine too much about the past.