the threads in her head

I set out to write a piece, about canning jars and preserving hearts, surrounding them with vinegar, according to a dear friend's instructions. Apple cider vinegar specifically, because it burns, burns.

Wanted to freeze it, numb it, get rid of it. Any jar would do, but I would like it to be relatively pretty. Keep it preserved in a pretty canning jar, heavy solid clear glass and tarnished metal lid, store it up high somewhere until it gathers dust, and be discovered, one day, by someone else, who would wonder, why, and yearned to know how.

Perhaps tie a ribbon round it, with a rolled up piece of paper, with the same instructions.

Cider vinegar, the perfect ending. That I should have tasted the sweetness of warm apple cider on a cold Germany night, after a cold walk from the bus to the picturesque cottage, real wooden logs and strong warm fires lighting up the windows, licking at the sizzling fats - bacon, sausages, various meat chops, a delicious heaping of mashes potatoes and diced potatoes.

Coming in through the door and being greeted with friendly, "hellos!" and warm cups of a beautiful golden liquid that was sweet, sweet, sweet, and cups of warm wine afterwards, even, beautiful burgundy purple and warm to the touch.

Going up to see a tapestry of stars, a surreality of inky blackness that just stretches out far and beyond, no street lights projecting artificial illumination, just pure glorious inky darkness, and stars and more stars littering the entire place, like someone had taken a pail full of white glitter and fling it happily to the sky.

The warmth of sharing, of new friends, and old friends in the mind, of a shy good-looking boy who was not eloquent in English but charming as could be, even with a lack of words to say. Of walking in the dark, out to the lonely roads, eyes cast upwards all the time, taking in the glitter, the sparkle, the blanket of stars. So, so many beautiful little pinpricks of light.

A beginning that becomes the end. Sweet to sour.

But at the very last second, a pause. I don't want to hurt myself anymore.