February 25, 2009

this song is giving me goosebumps-

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay

And true, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
When I am missing you to death

When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.

They won't see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now" they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now" but we'll stay

I tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
It sounded thin upon listening.

And that frankly will not fly
You'll hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
while this is guiding you home.

They won't see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now" they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now" but we'll stay

They won't see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now" they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now" but we'll stay

They won't see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now" they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now" but we'll stay

Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine

I love this song.

February 24, 2009

empty room-

I would like an empty room, to run to.

I dream of it being a white room, not stark cold sterile white, not warm white that is actually a dirty yellow and washed out, but instead, nice glowy white, with daylight drenching the room in a beautiful glow.

every time, no matter how upset I am, no matter how mean or angry or horrible, the beauty and space and love of that room will just envelope me, to fill me up with surprise and wonder somehow.

it'll be a good room to hide in. from other people, for their sakes. I can be hurtful when I'm raging, and raging simply because I'm moody, and moody because of, of...

nothing.

it'll be a good room to hide in, to stop hurting others. but I guess, I guess, there always come a moment that's too late, somehow. somehow.

it's ok. it's ok.

better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

better to have loved and lost than never to have loved (and gained) at all.

pretty pretty white room.
the best description of numbness-

a queen
all regal
sitting in her throne
with a generous goblet of wine
and her subjects speak with her
ad they are wrong
and offer to help
but all she does is peer into a wine emptily
and let their words slide off the ornate sides of the goblet

February 22, 2009

a dream-

We were sleeping when they came.

Ever since the invasion began we had started sleeping together in the basement. "Safety in numbers." - that's what Father said. But everyone knew the truth was that no one really dared to sleep alone or even in pairs in their own room; no one could stand the thought of being brought away alone. It was a weird distortion of "misery loves company".

On the day Father decided we would all sleep together in the basement, family, servants, and all, we each took a stone and broke almost every window in the house. My heart broke when the first stone crashed against the big picture windows in the living room, and all that was left was jagged shards of glass. But it had to be done. Father said we had to make the house looked as abandoned and as ravaged looking as possible so that the Aztchens would dismiss the house when they walked by. We even broke the locks of the house, though that seemed very counter-intuitive. But no one disobeyed Father's orders.

The dogs were killed too. They were never my dogs, and I was never much attached to them, but their pleas would be a sound I would always remember. The way they whimpered and whined as the men approached them... for their sake I hoped it was quick, though I never would know. I shut my eyes tight and quick when the deed was about to be done - the clenching of the servant's hand across my shoulder told me when the deed was done.

Their carcass were left outside the house, and in time, it became more of a rank smell than dog.

I guess Father was hoping that we would never be disturbed till the war ended, and then everything would be fine again. But that was a wild dream, a wild hope. His plan never worked the way he wanted it to. They came. The Aztchens. They came. I always believed that his plan did work though. It bought us time, time long enough for almost all of us to dare hope again. Time long enough to gain strength. I like to think that a seed of quiet reserve and strength grew in each of our hearts during that time, a strength that gave us calmness when they came.

They came to take the girls. The twins were taken away, along with some servant girls. I awoke when they turned me round, and a cold cold fear gripped my heart, but all was quiet except for the shuffling noises of the soldier's boots. It was quiet, the twins were quiet, so I left my eyes half-open and pretended I was still asleep and dreaming. The soldier who turned me over grunted, and then left me alone.

They were actually about to leave when Amir woke up. He started up and whimpered.

The soldier's actions were quick. He ran, leapt back and over across seemingly sleeping bodies that could not possibly be asleep but lay so still. In a flash of a second the soldier had a vial in his hands. He uncorked it, grasped Amir's head, tilted it back, forced his mouth open, and poured the contents down.

We all knew what it was. Poison. As he gurgled desperately and gasped for air while the dreaded liquid made its way down to his stomach the soldier looked very intently at him until he made no more sound. The minutes that passed by while he choked and sputtered were long, and the cold fear in my heart that had faded when the soldiers left me alone rose again. My eyes were half-open, and fixed. Then he was quiet, and the soldier was satisfied. He stood up and looked round him once, before moving on.

The corpse was left in the house.

.

It was funny.

Amir had never been liked by the womenfolk of the house. He was rude and abusive, used swear loudly and in vain often. Got drunk easily. Was often drunk. The only woman he were nice to were the twins, in an extremely fawning way, and everyone, everyone knew why that was.

The twins detested him, even more than the rest of the womenfolk. Cook often complained about how he was drunk, but Father always kept him. He's an orphan, he would say. "But oh, hardened he is, that little black one, hardened, no heart. Drunk so often," Cook would reply. Still, Father kept him.

He had been excessively bold and arrogant to the twins that day when the Aztchens came however. Perhaps he was just bored, but the twins had picked up their skirts and went off in a huff, extremely fumed. Father soon heard and he got a harsh telling-off. Yet he was still unrepentant, and took his feelings of frustration and resentment on another servant girl, harrasing her till she broke into tears and cried.

The womenfolk were riled, but there was no way to hit back. They gathered together to talk about him, upset and angry, while the more matronly ones held the crying girl by her shoulders and comforted her. In anger Cook had said very vehemently, "I wish the Aztchens would get him, that black one, that no heart one!" The rest agreed, and curses after curses rained on. Almost all agreed a quick death for him was too merciful, and he should die by what the Aztchens were famous for.

Poison.

That very night the Aztchens came, and they took the twins away. And they got him. And all was quiet till next morning.

It happened so fast.

They were kinder when he was dead. "That black one, he could be nice. He got water once when I sprained my leg." But it did not matter anymore, not really. It had happened, that very night.

That. Everything. It was funny.

Somehow.

February 14, 2009

Sweet-Heart, Valentine's Day-

Round thin circles that go on ceaselessly - for infinity. Ribbed with delicate bands of colour - red, blue, silver, rose, green, yellow - dangly thin metal bangles.

A red "sorry" scrawled rather crudely, hastily, onto a piece of white A4 paper. A coloured-in red heart with wings, all done with a red pastel, like a little kid, little boy. My heart melted.

(It melted all over again when I realised they were not meant to be wings, but sweet wrappers.)

A mass of black nibble fishes suddenly whipping round and flipping their tails, rapidly to his legs, worming between his toes, going up and down all over his legs - nibbling, nibbling, nibbling. "Wah, ticklish!" he yells, twitching and jerking slightly while he tries to hold his laughter in while I watch in quiet amusement. A naughty peal of laughter breaks through his tightly closed lips - I burst into laughter myself.

The fish theme continues, we end up at fish&co. The food there was really nice. Dumping fries onto his portion was even more fun. The drink was slightly sour - tangy - and gassy. Gassy passionfruit drink. I like. He tries some. He's ok with it. I continue sipping. Drinking. I am happy drinking it. I am happy.

We took 156 to school. The seats at the back were low, and it was nice. We were shielded. In a little world of our own. I felt small all over again, but not in a bad way. It is warm and nice resting on your shoulders. You nuzzle and nibble my ear, and it is nice.

I like the way you laughed so hard, and that stunned bright-eyed excitement/astonishment you sometimes get. The bear hug was funny.

It was a lovely night.

February 12, 2009

I want an answer without me because I want to know who you are.
your stories-

I don't know how to impress onto you that your stories are the best.

Not for the content, even though they make me laugh a lot. Not for the description, although when you describe the moon you bring me into an entirely new world. Not for the plot, not for your tone, not for the characters.

Only for the sheer joy of listening you talk for more than 30 seconds, of suddenly seeing the same thing that is existing in your mind (as you think about the images and translate them into words, and thus put an image into my head too), for the sharing of a moment, moments, for having to do something for it when you're feeling slightly unwilling, for not having to do something for it when you decide I shall have one, for the way you try to get out of it, for the way you gamely face it, for the way you do it.

Do you hate it that much?

I speak in the language of stories. I look at pictures of frogs and my tongue goes slightly dry, I want to tell you, point out to you those brilliant colours and gorgeous form, their lives, their stories, the horrible spiders. And then I'll switch to the perspective of spiders and talk about how horrible humans are. And then I'll look at pictures of humans and journeys and try to read the word printed on the documents, and trace the curl of the smile of the nice old man with my eyes, and wonder what stories they had, and then admire the bath suits of the ladies - such nice pretty bath suits, I wonder why they don't have bath suits like that anymore -

and then I'll switch to a story of you, except that I don't do it in front of you, I talk of you to others, often, often, how you're taller, the things we went through, etc, etc.

What are stories.

Stories are the silly things you tell me about the Amazon flooding because the monkeys needed to talk to the fish.

Stories are about flatted factories and how they're little small houses, just for business.

Stories are the, "shhh" and then pointing to a squirrel that is just ahead of us, and creeping very slowly to look at it closer.

Stories are the description of the moon, or tree, of what happened today, of how cute that little boy is, a laugh.

Stories are your every single word to me that does not involve me, the words that reveal you, and not me.