the threads in her head

and you were so many things-

like a friend, yet not a friend. like a brother, but not a brother. an ex, without the bitterness. like a soulmate, but never one. I've been trying to neatly categorise you but you defy it all. you've always liked a little ambiguity in your relations with others.

you started as this random tall guy from this other church. pastor's kid. I scoffed at you, I remember scoffing at you. you were trying to hide the fact or something, maybe because people have always judged you based on that, and I went, "right, so what? you're not the first pastor's kid I know."

so what indeed. we were in the same group for the children's camp, you stayed back for a prayer walk (that never materialised) instead of joining your mates to paint the church. we ended up talking, now and then again throughout the mission trip. told you where I was from, what I did.

you were tasked to collect our emails, I think I told my friend to pass my email to you when we get back to singapore or something. the friend unceremoniously dumped you and me into a "mass conversation" and then disappeared.

you told me stuff. I laughed at how they teased you due to our names, since my own church never ever realised/bothered. I laughed a lot, you made me laughed a lot. you were funny, a joker, a nice person to talk to. you seemed to know so much. we shared some interests. food, cycling, nature.

we met up a few times, once every school holiday, and you would always bring me to new places. I remember how the word ugly once flashed into mind when I saw you, something that shocked me then and still shocks me now, because I never really thought of anyone that way. though hahah I guess I can say I really liked you for your personality then?

from some random guy friend, to a guy friend I ended up speaking to every night, to a close guy friend. long msn conversations, sharing the events of every day with you, happily jabbering on like some bird. you were my coinspinnner, my wayfinder, and you would try your very best to be my woundhealer. friends, not-friends, friends again. guardian, protector, dear.

secret keeper, dearest, confidant, partner, forever, and always.

ex, hurt, pain, inflicter.

and here we are again. a friend, the ideas-giver, the rational solutions, the problem-solver, one of the few I'm absolutely comfortable around with, my sounding board, an advisor. some days I feel like in a way you know me the best, you know what people might love about me, and you know what people might hate about me. you've been on the extremes of the spectrum, and now you're neutral, objective, polite. I know there's no longer the love I used to know, nor the same kind of care. but we talk, senior, junior, about this, and that. and it's good this way. there's no want to get back, there's still some sore spots, but somehow, despite all, I trust.