the threads in her head

Today the words hit. A phrase that tumbled out of a swirling vertex of thoughts and emotions. The scattered dots are finally connected. Or some at least.

It has been a struggle for words. Splits and disjoints was the best I could manage, with a defeated conclusion that I could not connect the dots. A rage of emotions, emotions that I could not blame hormones for the full cause. A slow build-up, peevishness on top of a general sense of vexation. On and on, to a point where I finally burst into blind misdirected rage at everything and nothing. Oh how words did fail me so then, with those scattered dots which I just, just could not connect.

Then all was quelled for a few days, by a voice uttering soothing consoling words, repetition of old words, but warm still the same. So warm, and seemingly so apt the effect lingered, perhaps even magnified and grew over the course of one more day.

And I could not fully understand it, but it overpowered me so, so strong was the effect that it seemed as though my heart would burst with it as it inflates so, rocking with what would seem to be happiness, as strange as it is.

And now finally late at night a connection is drawn. Something that at least remotely makes sense. Something I need to keep in mind. Something, that will help curb this excessiveness of emotions, this unbearable load that throws me off-balance. Oh emotions emotions, why do you grab my heart so.

It's not that I have no common sense, but I have no emotional sense.

I cannot figure out whether the ability to switch my mood just like that - or perhaps, I should say the ability to put on a mask and keep to it- is a gift or a curse.